New found glory!

Final day of another month. 30 days have gone by without my attention. We grow wise by each passing day. Elements of perished moments keep haunting me at night. I am just an event driven system. I gauge my calibre every now and then. All these things push me harder and harder into a principle based realm. The basic principles I ought to follow pushing aside others opinions. Here I lay.

My final days in college, and I pick up new passions. Latest in the town is Nusrat fateh ali khan. Chauhan introduced me to his music about 15 days ago. Extensive reading about his life, music and his mesmerizing influence all over the world blowed me away. One connection between Nusrat and Eddie vedder. I am in heaven. They contributed to the soundtrack of 'Dead Man Walking'. Amazing music. Amazing voice. Its just amazing. New found glory!

Simple enough

Like thin smoke from the ash of 'my' cigarette disappearing into the Grey background in random directions, my mind wanders and puzzles itself in connecting sporadic emotions that I may say are inconclusive and unabiding in all forms; spare my recollection as they are few. Its hard to summarize, what? Everything I see. 437 pages of a novel, half filled bottle of water, my benevolent winter jacket, 3 cigarettes arranged triangularly, sun-bathed banana peels which appear like coloured geckos, spider webs silently decorating the interiors of my room. These are just a few. Our emotions are very random; atleast I believe so. Do we really profess to having a least bit of discomfort? They stimulate us to satisfy them. Thats a good job eh?

I think we should just explode. What can come out? blood mixed organs or noxious lies or informative secrets which were for so long buried under the hood of speculative stupidity. I'd rather open before everything closes. I follow where my foot takes me to.

a sunny day, as bright as i could see
this rise, same as yesterday, all i am is free
the sound, of which i hear some
fast and rhythmic, where from they come?
the hustle and bustle, this and that folklore
canaries of the south, away from the sea shore
trickery by the eastern sorcerer
invasion by the western conqueror
a quick splat from the muted gongs
the priests sat and sang their songs
standing in unison we clap we frown
watching the emperor descend down

Lost in translation

a quarter of your laughs
and half of my drum beats
tween your gaze and mine
its just a sullen dream

What does it take to say 'I feel found' ? I am real with music in my head. I am real when I play. My physical balance speaks the truth. I am real when I sleep. I am real when I write. All talks around me appears dreary and incomplete. I would rather be termed a vagabound with all the comforts. I'm blind, so I don't react. I'm not sure what to make of myself. With just 2 months remaining before the college saga ends, the purpose remains a mystery. A beehive with no honey heh..

Hell with it. 'Never use your brain when you don't react'. The spellcheck continues. Just like honey! Lost in translation

the bottle with my note reaches the shore
should i let in
a beam of million faces
i can then forgive the most cruel
and rejoice in the delight
of the most beautiful

?????

I get high when I put my body through some physical strain like soccer or tt or anything. Thought this would help me start running..

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon."

- Emil Zatopek, 1952 Olympic Marathon gold medalist

Snow no?

heroic birds on twisted twigs
green anthems fragment my nonchalance
cutting my breath into tiny stories
the whole life becomes a mirage
snow white pebbles i collect
and rich, tough thorns i dread
distant bridges stitching those disconnected
all worth a dime dig out jewels

Snow in Baghdad after about 100 yrs! NYtimes says, "A welcome change of conversation for the Iraqis"

Hidden resolutions!

A very happy new year to everyone; grandma's, grandpa's, orphans, patients, singers, athletes, children, all my friends and my best buds Jose, Suraj and Shibu from hyd!

occurred twice, disapproving random dreams
deception flaring up, burying my sensual conscience
a molecule and an umbrella
swapping my spades with an extra drop of whimsical misery
courteous jittery with ice topping to make it look red
and because everything is just an illusion
I tame and turn frightening boundaries

I love all souls; everything is beautiful; just enjoy
I really hope so :)

January, here I come

I don't quite understand how things move fast. Or is this because of me being slow? Why do i feel homesick even after spending 5 years in this college? I always feel lost and moody the moment i board the train back to Gwalior. But in no time i get back to my own world where i take comfort in little surprises that lay before me, be it good or bad! I cannot explain the period i suffered from minor injuries that kept me out of soccer action. But no big depression on that part. Every thing's fine now.

We guys are finally leaving to Shimla today to spend new year eve. So to everyone, have a great finish to this year. January, here i come!

I just love this song. Enjoy

Starry nights, city lights
Coming down over me
Skyscrapers, and stargazers
In my head
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are
The waiting unknown
This dirty town was burning down in my dreams
Lost and found city bound in my dreams

And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting

Forget me nots and second thoughts
Live in isolation
Heads or tails and fairytales in my mind
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting unknown
The rage and love,
The story of my life
The Jesus of Suburbia is a lie

And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
And screaming
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
Ohh..
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting
Ohh..
Are we, we are,
Are we, we are the waiting

Green day

Crazy :)

found this on Postsecrets

Love at first sight!! :D


Permutation in music.. this is amazing - Longplayer

Fractured lines

I was so pissed off one day and this was the outcome!! No harm intended :D

"In all time and blood
I see nothing but pain and regret

My self being the source of wind
my fist talks and my mind preaches
till my blood evaporates
and my skin burns down
to nothingness

I wriggle like a worm
and my eyes blink like a snake
its poison all over me
waiting to inflict pain on others
and drain out all flesh and blood

My teeth speaks evil
plucking all known side
of humans breeding on this planet
like reckless soul awaiting
its turn in HELL"

ps: the word 'blood' is mentioned thrice!! heheh & this was about a month back in hyd

:-)

Its been a tiring 2 weeks for me.. not getting out of bed because of my sprained ankle really tested my senses.. but now I can walk again, but of course with a lil difficulty.. but its nothing compared to my friend Kushwah's injury.. "we all have our times - gud/bad " :))

We enter a new phase
where the most prevalent phenomenon
protrudes & crystallizes to shape you
As in intentionally groping in the dark
to touch everything that shines
and feel the physical existence
which otherwise is unattainable
to you and human reach

We enter a new phase
where method and logic pervades
the ever known ill-fated junk
of retributive dialogues within you that
starts to knock all doors in your mind
and you begin to prove your self love
and try to sell to one religion, one belief
one word, one principle, one second
we all adhere to in an uncontrolled
fashion to the highest degree of turmoil

Is this right?

one minute ecstasy, one inch relief
one step forward, one love grace
is this what I am after?
memories getting unlocked
what is done is being undone
all seasons, all strings
every hour, untitled prayers
untoward events, mixed feelings
rush of wishes which remain in my throat
bold directions, that region
that ends before it begins
marsh glow, harsh blow
stable and the brown horse
grass and the white rabbit
its better; seek beauty, no redemption
you contradict your own thoughts
land and the spin around us
hopping and circling the all
and you never believe the thing before your eyes
until you hear it say "it's true"

Ulrich Muhe

Friedrich Hans Ulrich Mühe who played the lead role of Gerd Wiesler in The Lives of Others, 2006 expired due to stomach cancer this July.

I am so moved by his performance in this movie.. Amazing personality as a whole.

Bring me down

a golden flash, jolts sent so down
i recieved with my strongest guts
intuition and speculation slapped me twice thrice
and so untidy it is, i could hardly see the other end
my fist to the ground, and it is just that small contact
i can instead cut my will with that glass sabre
and scream so hard so harsh
the dust sucks up my covert desires
and the wind smashes down my uncooked cliches
so i become a fearless blade with less questions
and i hear no more answers


Heading home for a while! No smoking/drinking zone :( Anyways its
been 6 months.. so always refreshing!! C u guys.. hv a gud time

No nonsense!

Took my first keyboard lessons from Sandeep. It is just that stupid excitement of me and chenna to blast our minds and be future Chris martin and Axl Rose!!! (we idolize these 2 personalities). Not to mention his guy Freddie mercury and my guy Eddie vedder. Superb vocalists.

Frequent visits to ICH for coffee in the morning and Coffee day in the evening adds to our not-to-get-bored package!! There are many things to do, but still killing time. Its football time again. 'uckin everybody at 6 am to get their asses off the bed. Oct 1st was our first match. Really enjoying each moment of the play. Watched Breach the other day. Chris cooper always gives that stunning performance. Just love that guy :P

I almost stopped eating NV, and its hard but am doing great. My schedule is again balanced. Sleeping at nights and awake all day (like a normal person..hehe) I donno when it will turn upside down again!! :D Cutting down on the cigs/day. 

when home is just a few paces away
i knew i had to leave my true self behind
my fear crosses my imagination
my thirst to grab anything that comes my way
takes birth again and i begin to relive my past

those bits are reconstructed and
it breaks away all my regrets
i take something more and leave nothing less
i breathe some peace and fight all my boundaries
my water is that ice again
all old is now new again
i never got tired
everything kept rolling

i woke up and i find
home is just a few paces away

Incomplete

those seconds of infinite possibility
my veil, my empty rhapsody

every big man a tiny decay
pastures, blue or yellow or green?
afterthoughts, now or then?
all unknown, blinded by
my veil, my empty rhapsody

but i bear to change that doesn't change

listen to every word and avoid all conjectures
play to every tune and escape all troubles
craft all emotions and remove all stains
breathe all if's and foil those but's

lay by me, show that glare
colour me, don't be blue
shuffle my cards, be my fete
glue my extra to your prologue

knock that is gone
spin that exists, touch that feels
keep which fits, throw that fails
be lost, but swim back again

build those infamous melodies
and run past them, be insane
be mad, be a fool, create a show
nothing hurts, just be that love

use that sieve to separate
that frosts, that kills
with your fist that chooses
which to break and which to make

is anything too much?
yes that which is coarse
no that which is delicate
nothing hurts, just be that love

keep your opinion, keep your motto
my drums, my words, my pick, my stand
cast away, but be my whole song
just show your love and that is my epilogue

lay by me, show that glare
and i will remove
my veil
i will change
my empty rhapsody

A side of me

that sense of detachment I fear
that sense of liberation I crave
alarms if I am uninvited to me

that shallow guilt precedes that enfolded quest
that few and that very I love
that many and that all I don't understand
still don't reach me
and does not become mine

that everything which inflates
that nothing which dwindles
that magic which ain't a mystery
that story which ain't real
that spat which breaks
that promise when broken

that room with no sound
that sound with no lilt
that face with no smile
that smile with all contempt
that humor with no laughter
that laughter with all sarcasm

the able and the defeated
have learned and made and traded
all glory and all pain
still dark, still tainted

everything is a pause
everything is a hold
uninformed and faded
and running like a wounded soldier

mine which is not yours
me who is not you
say if its false
and nod if its true

I only wait to see if it happens
So I join and clap
for everything I lost
and everything I gained

At times

Maybe everyone is insecure in this 'uckin world. Nothing changes at your will or maybe you need to push harder to get things done the way you desired! Crapped up profanity, insanely corrupting our envious souls and constantly giving that condescending look which I may say is disfiguring our very thoughts and notions which were to make this world a better place. But then we are all a part of this drama. And am nowhere too. Maybe I get a chance to do my part.
Am not keeping a count of cigs am burning, and thats bad! Really missing my bro these days. That bastard is one hell of a guy. Staying awake all night and sleeping like a pig all day :-) I gotta change my schedule man. Biological imbalance is dangerous. 'uck the rules. I don't know why. Feels good to watch the sunrise and be attached to reality for a while.

Not able to figure out what is addictive in life. Cigs, Music or Books 'uckin jaded in life. But determined to make it better. I really can. Thats the bottomline. Time for another fag. Chillll :-)

Orhan Pamuk

"A writer is someone who spends years patiently trying to discover the second being inside him, and the world that makes him who he is: when I speak of writing, what comes first to my mind is not a novel, a poem, or literary tradition, it is a person who shuts himself up in a room, sits down at a table, and alone, turns inward; amid its shadows, he builds a new world with words. This man – or this woman – may use a typewriter, profit from the ease of a computer, or write with a pen on paper, as I have done for 30 years. As he writes, he can drink tea or coffee, or smoke cigarettes. From time to time he may rise from his table to look out through the window at the children playing in the street, and, if he is lucky, at trees and a view, or he can gaze out at a black wall. He can write poems, plays, or novels, as I do. All these differences come after the crucial task of sitting down at the table and patiently turning inwards. To write is to turn this inward gaze into words, to study the world into which that person passes when he retires into himself, and to do so with patience, obstinacy, and joy. As I sit at my table, for days, months, years, slowly adding new words to the empty page, I feel as if I am creating a new world, as if I am bringing into being that other person inside me, in the same way someone might build a bridge or a dome, stone by stone. The stones we writers use are words. As we hold them in our hands, sensing the ways in which each of them is connected to the others, looking at them sometimes from afar, sometimes almost caressing them with our fingers and the tips of our pens, weighing them, moving them around, year in and year out, patiently and hopefully, we create new worlds."

-- Orhan Pamuk

Tharoor and Elton John

A piece by Shashi Tharoor

Try to think of nothing.
That's the secret.

Try to think of nothing.
Do not think of work not done,
of promises unkept, calls to return,
or agendas you have failed to prepare for meetings
yet unheld.

Think of nothing.
Do not think of words said and unsaid,
of minor scandals and major investigations,
of humiliations endured, insults suffered,
or retorts that did not spring to mind
in time.

Think of nothing.
Do not think of your forgotten wife,
of lonely children and their reproachful demands,
or the smile of the pretty woman
whose handshake lingered just a shade too long
in your palm.

Think of nothing.
Do not think of newspaper headlines,
of the insistent transience of the InfoNet,
or the seductive stridency of the TV microphones
thrust so thrillingly
into your face.

Think of nothing.
Do not think of the waif on the foreign sidewalk,
her large eyes open in supplication,
her ragged shift stained by dirt and dust,
stretching her despairing hand toward you
in hope.

No, do not think
of the woman at the building site,
wobbling pan of stones on her head,
walking numb for the thousandth time
from pile to site and site to pile
as her neglected baby scrabbles in the dust,
eats sand and wails, unheard.

Think of nothing.
Do not think of the starving infant,
parched lips mute in hunger,
sitting slumped in the mud,
his eyes fading before his heart.
Do not think
of the stark ribs of skeletal cattle,
unable to provide milk, or hope,
in drought-dried lands of which you know nothing.

Think of nothing.
Do not think
of the dead-eyed refugee, dispossessed
of everything he once called home.
Do not think
of the unsmiling girl whose once-sturdy thigh
now ends at the knee, the rest blown off
by a thoughtless mine on her way to the well.

No, do not think
of the solitary tear, the broken limb,
the rubble-strewn home, the choking scream;
never think of piled-up bodies, blazing flames,
shattered lives, or sundered souls.
Do not think of the triumph of the torturer,
the wails of the hungry,
the screams of the mutilated,
or the indifferent smirk of the sleek.

Think of nothing.
Then you will be able
to sleep.

______________________________________

Elton John's "Sacrifice" - truly a classic one..

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

In the...

The last moment was brief. The last words were terse. The way I came out was the way I went in. Like earthworms taking comfort in the murky moors, I took comfort in staring at my shadow staggering like a drunkard with a broken spectacle. I was completely soaked in the water of disguised silence. My journey became clueless. My throat was all parched up and my ears turned mute to all my worries. My constant fear to face tomorrow was the only thing which kept me alive. A fear of not announcing myself. A fear of not allowing myself to experience the limits of my potential to logically break down the essence of life. A fear of not comprehending my responsibilities as a youth. A fear of not able to cry when I should.

My whole living memories took a different path when I ceased to think. It highlighted my unusually skeptical mind to the outside contemporary world. The life I was living seemed extinct and the life I am living now is invigorating. The rain pouring down was like a sweetened potion. The mild breeze held my thoughts together with the leaves swaying about pompously, but remaining anonymous to the happenings.

Why have I chosen this path? I have spoken about all my known and uknown qualities, yet some nuances remain buried. I questioned insolently, but came no answer.

My other mundane life pulled me outside. To a life that is to be led in a good simple way

A pinch of color

A series of incidents can turn you on or off..And what follows it will determine the depth of ones character. Will he shrug it off and move on, or hold it inside him and be a stone?

From the myriad of colors, I chose none
I defined my thoughts
and let my heart talk
to all the queries and inhibitions i hold

to the bed of the sea i swim
and let my doubts drown in the silence
i hold my hands and now i pray
but the dolphins beckon me to come their way

and in this body of blue dreams
i followed them...

they eased my struggle within
a struggle to match my heart and mind
my heart says dive into your thoughts
my mind says cave out to life

and i come up to the surface
to breathe the live air and feel the pain
and joy it is to live real
and joy it is to live in love..

They spoke

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“"Let me light my lamp", says the star, "And never debate if it will help to remove the darkness”
Rabindranath Tagore

“From the solemn gloom of the temple children run out to sit in the dust, God watches them play and forgets the priest”
Rabindranath Tagore

A clown and a soldier he was

Farthest from the land, where dust never settles
I saw a bird fettered and caged
Deep into the sea, where bullets cannot reach
I saw a fish with a broken fin

Up on the battlefront where fear crosses thirst
I saw a soldier without his armour
and for every second of his life
he wishes not to be that caged bird
he wishes not to be that fish with a broken fin
but yearns for his boots and bullets to be on
until the war is done and the enemy is gone
and for the days left
he hung his boots and worked as a clown
jumping, winking and making that funny frown

for every smile he brings
a little joy he spread
and a heartfelt tear he shed
wounds which have healed but the pain that still stings
a knife he has, to free the bird
but none he has to fix the broken fin

the soldiers, his mates, whose souls have risen
to the mountains where seasons are driven
whisper the hymn of life
he chose not to listen, for luck saved him

the truth he confessed pleased the priest
blesses him and says "God awaits you in heaven"

A Frame unpaved

light, my desire
dark, my words

bury my pain
and remove this stain

flip a coin and carry the odds
luck not my way, my way is my lord

my lies, I blame
my mistakes, I claim

walk slower and breathe higher
stay firmer and live sober
lay a brick at every layer
unshackle your mind
and defend yourself as a supreme player

i confess, i belied
this delight, this myth
harder it is with my hands tied
but i say i shall never quit

Paragon of beauty

Living on a single bowl of porridge a day and still managing to give a smile is the best wonder in this world..cheers

Paradise lost, Paradise gained

gurgle of the seas drew a little child into the expanse
that he faltered hither and thither was mystifying
nevertheless, he found the key to the gates of freedom
and all that gloom crumbled down and vanished

toying with his pup, he led himself through the gates
ornamented with rose petals and guarded by the godly angels
he snapped and they started crooning
but the notes picked their way out into the sea

the gigantic nimbuses above started to rain
earthworms rejoicing and turtles nodding to its glory
the lone kid felt happy watching his pup burrowing
until tiny bubbles surfaced to his astonishment

the droplets could not puncture the bubbles
which further elevated his curiosity
they seemed to follow a pattern, moving away from shores
Oh! this magical show, Oh! this magical show

unweaving this wizardry he wanted to follow the bubbles
"Dont you want to stay here with people" retorted the angel
the pub meanwhile is busy burrowing the crust
"the gates will forever be bolted, make your choice"

all that music, all that sound came back rushing
the angel said "they had to satisfy all the boughs in the woods"
for they spent relentless nights defying the wild storm
for they pined for the lullaby

driven by this empathy, driven by this truth
the kid chose to retreat back to the land
"the bubbles will come back to you later son"
"and this magical show will again be played"

'Out to sea. Out to sea, and in the weightlessness of the deep where dreams come true, two souls unite to fulfill a single wish. Your gaze and mine, over and over like an echo, repeating silently: "Deeper, and deeper," beyond everything that is flesh and blood. But I always awaken and I always wish for death, my lips forever entangled in your hair'

-- Ramón Sampedro (The Sea Inside - 2004)

Indian duet

Democracy in its true literal sense, comes as a saviour to all our worries. Our post-Independence era was marked with sly political pathos by political babus, who in their own way interpreted this society as being their bait. We have seen them on the rostrum making phony promises and driving people to chant their slogans. Over the years, this line of indifference has become thinner and thinner. Our apathetic minds has evolved into a more lively form. This clearly doesn't nudge away the true leaders who have shaped our economy and brought hope to the people. Their active resistance towards events like communal conflicts, among the many, which have warned to destabilize the country, has shown a way of living to the masses.

On the contrary, we can never overshadow the strife put up by our forefathers in democratizing this nation. Some presume that we were destined to live this way. Some perceive that their valiant act to liberate us from the British was just another gig.

We are lucky enough not to see the harsh realities of totalitarianism. To this day, there are countries like Burma and most of the central African soils where militant outfits recruit male children to carry out their tasks and female children as sex slaves. Their insane involvement in debauchery has led to the spread of HIV in these countires. Than Shwe, dictator of Burma, for instance has "Executed 2,000 soldiers for failing to execute child laborers properly". Such is the chaos in that country, where passing by a generals house would mean to be shot. Subdued life. Suicide bombings, arson and various other acts of terror is just coming up in the name of religion. Every religion which preaches its followers to be united for all cause is now viewed to endorse clash of opinions which is threatening enough to wage war across frontiers. The very nature of sanctity is being dragged down to mud.

We are lucky enough to be insulated from all these vile juggernauts. Reality always goes in parallel with the gaudy cocktail parties at big mansions. True and its true. We are seasoned to think that its the rich who are supposed to bring value to the society. The poor are just admitting their status and are the victims of high-class people's wayward liberal actions. Its the masses who have their hands set right on the trigger, but conservative thinking is hindering them from pulling it.

A whole lot of projections regarding the status of our developing Economy are being made with respect to other developing countries. While the superpowers may term ours as a 'fledgling economy', I see our economy as far more sophisticated than it appears to be. I see our economy as treading in the way of opportunities only if we shun blind faith and welcome liberal thoughts beneficial to man and mankind.

Heartily Greetings

A friend of mine said "Everyday is the last day of the year". I couldn't take this off my mind. Partly because of its aphoristic nature and partly because of my beliefs.

Welcome 2007..

A very Happy New Year to Daffodils, Joy, Responsibility, God, Atheists, Orphaned kids and my Dear friends

I could say that my views of this world has become more channeled. Questions like 'Who is gonna bear the brunt for these consequences', 'What goes with this', 'Will you step back' are making its way to be more vivid in my mind. Music was what I enjoyed the most. The more I listen to the tracks, the more am I drawn towards its inner circle of joy it renders.

I was nothing but juggling with the coloured balls I picked out of the box called 'Life'. Those balls had to eventually go back to the box and I had to pick a new random set for this year. Enthralling but tricky..

Some of my thoughts which found its way to the paper..

The knot could not be untied, the story could not be told
The colours of sorrow swept across unseen
But I still remember this joy that day
when the clouds shooed the doubts away
and the rain swallowed empty and incomplete verses
Santa was happy as ever
Books were as holy as God
and God as the Godfather

But the candles recited the last symphony
with verses that were complete but hollow

Questions to answers, answers to reasoning
Dancing like a damsel seducing
Oh I feel I lost my place
Never have I seen this long chase

Mint, as in I smell
Merry Merry, Love where I dwell
Toxic, but not piercing
Happening, but never concluding

Never to forget, never to die
this unending love through fall, through spring
Hanging gardens of faith never lie
I felt it, numb as smiling

The knot was untied and the story was narrated
And the candles waved goodbye

Beyond and across

I have two answers to every question put forth..Yes and No

I have two ways to follow when am alone..
a bright smile for everything
or a dark cry for nothing

I have two words to confess when I am wrong..I'm lucky

When sound is all I hear, I dream
When people are all I see, I smile
When time is all I have, I wait

And when its all over, I pray
For I found my way
For it was done in a day
For its the humming sound I hear
from the distant stars many many light years away

Gripped in this box of fear I answered the call
I had no qualms
With little malice, with little logic
I was right in all sense
I cannot lean against this wall
It is toxic
I answered the call

You hide, you never take shelter under the shadow of god
You break open, you can see your shadow in the dark

I have two words to confess when I am wrong..I'm lucky

I chose not to discover

I am nothing outside
I am everything inside

I chose not to discover
I chose it to be subjective
I chose it to be sublime divinity
I chose it to be soundless

Motionless, I wish
this planet with greater pain than joy

Surreal thoughts in a bubble of togetherness punctured
I cried, I looked back, but found myself staring at ominous silence
I saw people cry, but they never had a chance to look back

I know no religion
I know no traditions
I know no culture
These are but elements breeding on humanity
These are seeds of fundamentalism
These are seeds of uncommunicative, unheard voices

With every tinge of fear this world faces
I pray to God
to instill confidence in me
to plant seeds of faith in me
to shower humanity in me

I live not to die alone
I live to die for someone dying beside me

I walk beside people
I walk under the sky

I chose not to discover
I choose to remain silent

I am nothing outside
I am everything inside

A tale of heart and mind

Of what interest can it be
when I have eyes but cannot see

I want to run like the wind
I may perspire
I may become weak
My sight may converge to the end

Of seas, mountains & flowers
Of eyes, smile & pain
Of love, illness & music
a veritable challenge in hand

People confide
This they live
under the czars
under the blanket of countless stars

Time, a compiler of thoughts
thoughts diffused in serenity
of which birds cannot comprehend
neither we breathing sapiens

Its the shadows that dont cry
Its the shadows that dont bleed

Engulfed in this storm of life
we are conditioned to live
to notice but not observe
to show mercy but not help
to mock at but not step up

Mundane lives, talking cliches

We are guardians of future
future taking birth every second
and becoming extinct the very next second

All we hear
beeps that transcends continents
continents made of swords
continents chaining love
and term it a pity slave

God, a great tester
we make a mockery of him
he gives time

we are good, he says
we are bad, we say

Of what interest can it be
when I have eyes but cannot see

Drenched in the duality of life....

Back when I was a tiny tot uttering strange words and trying to join pieces of pictures to figure out what was going around me till now when I am still trying to join those missed out pieces, I listened and have been listening to it all. Discerned in totality, never did I speak up. Its like I have been typing down words, erasing it and again typing it. Interlocked mind never even bothering what I scribbled down before. Erased and its gone. There is no balm to alleviate this. But this irrevocable nostalgic feeling smeared all over me still persists. My mind is deluged with this feeling. Things that were strange are now musical to me. Things that were musical are now strange to me.

Soft and sharp, they never fade away. Every moment being crystalised in my mind.

I always believed and I still believe truth always juts out as and when we grow older. It sings along with us. It propagates with life. It commands attention. It sits beside you but looks beyond future. It inhales the aura we emanate and exhales truth. Phase by phase. Step by step. Note by note. Never leaps..takes small paces but is swift and agile.

From Einstein who believed in miracles to J Krishnamurthy who was a firm believer in simple pleasures of life, truth spoke. A revelation never understood by me. The truth which always freezed me under the sun. Bite your nails, gnash your teeth, lift a trophy, ignore the ignorant, hold a pen, listen to music, buy a pair of trousers...truth always speaks..

You start thinking about the metaphysical parts of life. Curiosity..curiosity..Its truth again. What is in there and what is out here is one and the same. Reflection of perfection. Everything in life is mirrored. Principle of duality always wins. North and South..there is no difference..Civilizations bred..thoughts spread..it sprawled to a certain distance and then there is South. Civilization and thoughts..Its truth again. Never asks but always gives. Never shouts but always meditates upon we miser beings. We are always good but its the truth which is speaking. We really are misers shouting.

'It' says it best when 'it' says nothing at all...

'We' say it best when 'we' say nothing at all...Duality of life..we deal and truth deals..Its always duality.

Chase-tised and Kiln-ed...

How complex can things get?...

I mean..I can sit back at ease and always be a candy-go-guy with none threatening to bring down the multi-storeyed dreams I keep building. I can always don a charming hat and go merry-merry everywhere smoking Italian cigars. I can always laugh at the way the system is going on in our country. I can make a polemic remark against the system and be highlighted in the newspapers..Now...I wont die of illness or any accident. Instead, I will rise to fame in a few months and then be shot or slained at my place. Huh..Chastised and killed. A plain simple story.

My big bro says 'Only when you see such things happening, will you start to carve out the essentials for living life in a better way..'

He always says 'better way'..because he always believes you can never live the 'best way'..

He says 'Think of things which you dont wanna do'..
I say 'Why do you always get to that point..and its strange'

He says 'Strange words directs you so that you can steer your vehicle of life towards the right destination'

Can I relate this to whats happening right now..Its raining out here..Every drop descending down doesnt even know that I am sittin here and watching him. I tend to relate every thing to a person. It always gives me the feel that I am not alone who is facing all what is happening around me.

When you dream, you never know what is going around you. Every breath counts. Moments trigger moments. Big things become miniscule. Slow objects go at mach speeds. Assumptions are made. Decisions turn to rage. There is laughter and yelling talking at the same time.The sun never stops glowing. Hunger is reigning. Reasons become money and time becomes greed. Acts of felony goes unnoticed.

But everything is straight..There is gravity. Shadows remain shadows. Electrons are running through the wires. No issues..No actions..Its all strange..But strange things always guides you..Its all relative..

I soon realised 'better way' is always best than 'the best way'..because there is the word 'best' in between which till take care of the rest..

Every time..

My big bro, the timely 'time', always said 'Your worst adversary is always your best company'
How on earth could that be possible..seriously how on "earth"..
He retorts 'Dont you look at me now!!'..
Oh! that was pretty close..and also appealing..appealing only because he is always right..Well he is the only 'person' I ever knew speaking right things at the right time..

Exams are nearing and as always its the season of marriages..season of surprises..As it used to be and will always be, I have to fall in love with books..emotions of faith creep up..very soon I find myself marrying books..i totally see where this relationship is going..it gets cranky..overpriced..priceless!!

And then again..
I finally have to walk down the aisle holding the pen insulating the 'ink of attained knowledge' and let her drain it down articulately on the paper. They become the happiest couple. Nothing beats the pen, paper and their baby ink...My knowledge..their pleasure..But I am ultimately crowned the King of Torts!!

They really expect me to respect..I find myself enmeshed..I untangle myself and try to get out of it..
Oh Oh..My big bro swoops in..
'Dude..whats the matter with you..every moment of your life is beautiful..dont ruin it'
Ohhh..cliches dont work for me..they really dont..
I shoot back 'ohh..'I am just a kid..I dont understand what you say'
'Ohkk..you run a mile..a gift awaits..you run an extra mile..another gift awaits..this is how it works..'
'All you got to do is to run along that "running mile"'..

This is wonderful..Honestly..time and tide waits for everyone..tireless stalkers of noble knowledge..nothing beats them too..turning mud to gold..believable..but the transition from knowledge to wisdom is tricky and adventurous

I dont grasp in all of it..but surely think of grasping it..
silence please..
craa..craaaaaaaaaaaack..crrrr..trrrrr..dim___'May I come in?'
"Sure"
"Thanks..How many miles do I have to run to grab all the gifts?"
My big bro says.."Until you realise you have taken the road less travelled by.."
Wings of mind..Ventures of mind..

Strange but true..

There I am, standing and breathing. Everything around me is calm composed. Everything beyond me unknown.

Nothing is as fascinating as this. One look at the infinite space above..Clouds, stars and the moon. I take a few paces towards my right. One look at the infinite space above..I still see the clouds, stars and the moon.

This only reminds me of other people who are also residing under this blanket of countless stars. People who dont know if democray or dictatorship is ruling their country. People who just migrate from one place to another to escape the wars.

I always try to scale the depth of silence when in sleep.Everything just shuts down. Everything just diminishes into one single dark spot. There is nothing to illuminate this dark spot. You are just dropped there spiralling away into the cone of darkness. Down here, I feel nothing but gravity. I see nothing but rains filling the seas. I hear nothing but the wind talking to the trees. Sound of silence. Not practical. Not strange. But beautiful.

What I really saw was this. I saw a pastor sprinkling holy water on the divine-seekers. I saw a child weeping helplessly on the street. I saw fishermen risking their lives at the seas just to live. The world is infinite to a bum on the street. He doesn't curse the fat-cats, instead pities on them for not having realised that world is infact finite to them. I saw an exhausted Arab speaking to his camel. He says "If there is one place no one knows you, its the desert".

The moment I wake up, everything around me is still the same. And everything beyond me is still unknown. Nothing has changed. Just washed away filth of my dress. And there I am, standing and breathing. All I realize is that Dreams are dreamt. They are like candles which gives out light, but also melts down. Melts only to be lit again...
Strange but true..

I still remain a slave

Its been a long time since I penned down something. Days are going by. My big brother, the timely 'time' has been keeping an eye on me all the time. All he does is keep running after 'nothing'. And all I hear from him is the low tone ticks, ticks n ticks...and constant alarms peircing straight through my head beckoning me to come and have a look at its charming legs walking royally oblivious to the happenings in the world. Everybody tries to be in harmony with him, follow him like a tireless stalker. The fact that the rotation and revolution of Earth around the Sun is coherent with time and space remains the same. We obey him. Calendar gets flipped over regularly. The pages of books are turning yellow. My feet doing a lot of walking, trampling down tiny ants..Untouched..Unnoticed..Things are done hastily..Connected to the mechanical world like a baby connected to a mother through the umbilical cord.

In a moment, seconds of evanescent incidents are stamped as history. Many unnoticed. Untouched. They are saying something. I reckon they are yelling out saying 'Ohh..dont do that'. But in another unnoticed, untouched second they are again yelling out at me saying 'Ohhkk..carry on..but this is your last time..'The 'they' am talking about are my senses. They are waffling about the whims and caprices and enticing me. I as an able-bodied-slave ought to fulfill him. I suddenly hear my big brother, the timely 'time', mocking at me and saying

'You are a mad man..'

I say 'No I'm not!'

He says 'Tell me one good earthly-human reason'

I'm pondering over it...Still pondering..No..I dont get a earthly-human reason to convince him.

He says 'You are a slave to your senses. They are making you do all they want'
Meditating upon it, I come to know that every quality of mine and every action of mine is a result of me being a subordinate to my king. My senses. I'm a victim of its politics. An intricate politics. I'm just an owner of my 'chassis', the physical body.

He says 'Why dont you fight them'. It sounded really interesting.."Fight them". So yet another venture..

"Trying to keep my senses under control..Trying being a master, king of my own senses".

Before I get tooo philosophical I better descend down to earth. My wings are tired.

P.S Tried to bring a convoluted insight into the politics of mind..

My soul

20 honest things about me.....something goes wrong dhruv has it...

1. Shy, a "great" introvert but a careful observer...things jus cant go out of my way

2. Fickle minded..do things which r in accord with my pensive mood....

3. My identity: a mix of being comical, foolish, somber, deceptive...these conceal my penultimate qualitites which am carving secretly all the time..

4. Very meticulous in sharing my emotions..I will always keep my mouth n eyes closed n get lost into my own world of mystery..coz i believe there is always someone who can read ur lips n catch ur eyes...i want to keep some secrets even from god! (soundin weird a?)

5. My favourite dish is vangi bath(tamil word..)..assorted aubergine rice...

6. I always give least importance to my apparel..thts the way it is....

7. Possessive about my things and selfish at times..but never envious about others..

8. I never tell things which can hurt nyone, not even little n silly things.....the thought of losing a friend always haunts me.. so i swallow my temper all the time

9. I love soft lilting music..westlife, blues to name some..I become so engrossed in it that it drives away my appetite..

10. Unplanned most of the times n weak in makin gud n prolific decisions..tryin to improve over it...

11. I demote myself from being a social animal to a lazy social creature...

12 Sleeping the best profession.......mastered the art of keepin my eyes wide in class n sleeping..

13. Lazy most of the time..

14. Love playing TT, football n basketball..

15. Like to be silent n solitary all the time ....but always jumping from within..

16. Currently reading 'A Walk to Remember'....movie which melted my heart to the ground..

17. I love listening to old people telling their experiences abt their days..

18. I hate travelling n horoscopes.....

19. Wanted to be in the defence forces...but turned out to be different....

20. Hunger is the greatest pain one can ever bear..cannot believe that over 6 million people die of starvation....it wil be the first one on my list to eradicate....

manish, teja, rams...ur tagged!!

School days..

Ever since I finished schooling, my delirious state of mind was even more delirious because I was exposed to making new decisions. Not to mention the melancholy that surmounted me as I left behind the best days of my life. I replenish my Heart's tributary of emotion with these bygone days to reflect back and eventually let them flow back into the river of eternal memories. Of the 8 years I spent at school, I have grown to choose my intimate friends and develop a good relationship with my teachers.

The first 4 or 5 years were fun and frolic type. In general everyone will be oblivious to what exactly is happening round him in his childhood. We just mingle with everyone in no time. Somedays were in my favour and some not--When everybody does the homework n I am the only one left out in class...n on the top if I am to face a stern teacher my day ends!. Some cheerful and some sorrowful. Sometimes I become a subject of mockery and sometimes I rule my thoughts -- Reminiscing upon this, I was once told to prove the similarity of triangles on the black board. It went very well. All of a sudden everyone in the class burst out into laughter. I even remember our math sir also laughing loud. I took a few paces back from the board and came to know that I was very very bad in drawing the triangles. They were long enough to fit the board!! Added to this, I also started laughing like hell.

Somedays were dull but most of the times comical--when rain god casts his spell, the games period is cancelled..gosh it sucks!!. Sometimes I am in peril(owing to my bad demeanor), n sometimes lucky. These mix of days were pivotal in moulding myself in one way or other. The crests n troughs are common. Infact one develops that ability to manage things in school when something goes wrong. Then again the teachers who played a special part. There was Mr. Bosco who was our NCC head as well as our english teacher. He was my source of inspiration. I can never forget Ms damayanthi..coz she is the only teacher who keeps an eye on girls all the time(we boys arent blind though!). She believes girls are more naughty than we boys. Can imagine the length of fun we used to have in that class!! Mr Abhraham whose famous lines "why do u'll howl like junglies" still echoes in my mind.

2 yrs in ncc gave me a lot. It gave me proper momentum to make a strong decision to join the armed forces. A challenge recognised correctly but worked upon weakly is the only reason I could throw up for not making it come true. Nevertheless, I kept moving. But its not a speck in an ocean which gets washed away in due time. That challenge is again an inspiration to take up the coming challenges.

I wish I could again go back in time and sit in the class listening to Mr Bosco explaining the English poems. But I am afraid the joy will also be gone.

The Notebook

Saw 'The Notebook' the other day. A good movie in all which throws to you another definition of LOVE. There was this handsome young man who fell in love with a ravishing young lady. The movies goes through with fine display of emotional love running between them. This lady is from an opulent background and the boy from a mediocre family. This forms the demarcation between them laid down by her parents. For reasons predictable the pair get separated despite the lady being defiant to her parents decision. Both had faith in their relationship. Both had the urge to be together. He penned down 365 letters a year in a hope to be together again, but in vain. Her parents kept her away from the letters. Emotions buried deep into their hearts. The second half cycles through interesting phases with the man standing on his own feet, building a magnificient house. The lady now falls in love with another person who is affluent and thus captures her parents wishes. They get engaged and when the lady gets to know about this person, her eyes reflected the buried emotions.
The melodramatic dialogues follow. She expresses what its like being with her first love and the person to whom she is engaged. With thoughts running away, she listens to her heart and goes back to her love.

This entire story is capsuled in a book being narrated by an old man(the boy) to his love(who is suffering from memory loss) in an attempt to get back her to life.
The one thing which moved my heart is the man's intense revelation of love to his love.
For me Love means nothing but inspiration. You being an inspiration to her, and she being an inspiration to you. I feel there should be no compromises, no sacrifices and not saying sorry. It should turn out to be strong and meaningful. So our inner beauty adds values to our life. Our daily life should be supplemented with the addition of virtuous qualities to our inner self. Love is a virtue which we are yet to understand.

A little peice which I love...few lines from 'Only Hope' by Switchfoot.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

A close one...

Mid-August y2k. I was in my early 10th; my final year in school. Life seemed akin to a merry-go-round where you stumble upon a point again and again. The point which you disagree upon, which is subtle and unclear. These odds and evens are to be balanced, which provides a path which is not disturbing. Many incidents touches our lives which in one way or other is blurred as I said.

Though my knack in playing basket-ball was minimal when compared to other tall bunch of guys in skool, I did manage to toss the ball into the basket at times. Eyes aimed at right angle part of the shooting square with right balance on foot is what I learned at skool. This proved to be handy. I put my hand to the plow in learning the game. I put it to practice at a basket-ball court near my place. Me and my friends set out to play almost daily after skool. At times it was a solitary play for me. The place I lived was a complete military area. So there were jawans accompanying me in the play as a part of their custom practice. Their physical endurance, tough discipline, courageous built and devotion to duty draws a deep veneration for them.

I chanced upon a jawan who later became a close friend of mine. I was trying for a 3 pointer which I couldn't get it right. His instructions were all that I followed. Dribbling, rebound shots, 2:3 pointers, zero angle shots, reverse throws and many more. He was a perfect 10/10 in it. It had become a daily task for me to come and learn from him. I can go ahead and term him as divine intervention. I came to know that he was a JCO and was posted there recently. He was from Kerala.

I was happy with his company, his talks and his play. Days went by. It was raining one day. I was soaked to the bone. But this couldn't keep me or him away from the game. The earthly aroma rising up into the air filled around. We played for more than 2 hrs. Shortly, I came to know that he has to move. That was a sad moment for me. At one shot you really feel alone when something that makes you comfortable leaves you... I try to puff in more oxygen to make it my way. A way which became blurred. A week later, I caught sight of him. All he could say was that he was posted in Madras. A simple grin was all I could give back. I now feel how heavy was that moment for me.

You cannot roll back the hands of clock and again experience the thrill..It doesn't fit in..Days gone which I cherish. I hope to chance upon him one day...

To Kill the Mocking exams!

I really need to step over my mind to think about the approaching exams. I sit with my chin propped on my hands but soon realise that am sitting on a boiling pot of exams. I have only one book to excel....
"5 exams in a Nutshell" a Primer and an Advanced learners edition. The pre-requisites are--One should know what the 5 xams are, what these exams deal with and to shield yourself when you dont understand anything.
To me the exam hall is the largest battlefield. The questions are the sharpest archers and their aim can never be let down. I better zero in on the books before I get badly hurt.
So will take a gap for a week fighting the war and get back with tearful..oh! sorry cheerful eyes.

I dont like wat?

I need to flap my wings of mind faster to attain a certain degree of idiosyncrasy. This point helps me out in thinking better before I descend down n finally doze offf.

I dont drink..I dont smoke..I abstain from these things. Pretty gud huh(-: Electricity is cut, I dont like to get off the bed though am perspiring. I dont like to wash my clothes. Got inspired after watching the magnum opus 'Satte pe Satta'.
Silberschatz--Galvin--Gagne---> Operating system concepts..I dont like to flip over the first page to view the contents inside. It kills me.
Screen diva Rekha turns 51..I dont like reading such crap news..
India successfully test fired Trishul..Missiles? not 4 me..instead am good in making paper rockets!
Microsoft's fourth quarter net profits is put up on net..Its foreseeable. Some 6-7 digits with million dollars suffixed(m$) to it..Nothin new.
Had a hearty meal..wanna go to bed..Some one buzzes on messenger and spills the bad news. A class has been scheduled now..I dont like this.
My system is getting clogged with many processes eating its memory. I dont like this..
Net got disconnected. I really hate this..
I would love to run away from this mechanical world. But cant help it out..I forget everything n go to sleep..
Am now in a new world..am floating on the ocean bed with diving costumes n scuba tanks all set right. Strange..its cool in here...My pc lies in front of me. An ideal world.
Waterband is better than broadband. Nothin to worry abt for another 6 hrs until I wake up n get back to normalcy..
May be I like this..

Its rainin!!

Mid-August y2k. I was in my early 10th; my final year in school. Life seemed akin to a merry-go-round where you stumble upon a point again and again. The point which you disagree upon, which is subtle and unclear. These odds and evens are to be balanced, which provides a path which is not disturbing. Many incidents touches our lives which in one way or other is blurred as I said.

Though my knack in playing basket-ball was minimal when compared to other tall bunch of guys in skool, I did manage to toss the ball into the basket at times. Eyes aimed at right angle part of the shooting square with right balance on foot is what I learned at skool. This proved to be handy. I put my hand to the plow in learning the game. I put it to practice at a basket-ball court near my place. Me and my friends set out to play almost daily after skool. At times it was a solitary play for me. The place I lived was a complete military area. So there were jawans accompanying me in the play as a part of their custom practice.
Their physical endurance, tough discipline, courageous built and devotion to duty draws a deep veneration for them. I chanced upon a jawan who later became a close friend of mine. I was trying for a 3 pointer which I couldn't get it right. His instructions were all that I followed. Dribbling, rebound shots, 2:3 pointers, zero angle shots, reverse throws and many more. He was a perfect 10/10 in it. It had become a daily task for me to come and learn from him. I can go ahead and term him as divine intervention. I came to know that he was a JCO and was posted there recently. He was from Kerala.

I was happy with his company, his talks and his play. Days went by. It was raining one day.
But this couldn't keep me or him away from the game. The earthly aroma rising up into the air filled around. We played for more than 2 hrs. Shortly, I came to know that he has to move. That was a sad moment for me. I try to puff in more oxygen to make it my way. A way which became blurred. A week later, I caught sight of him. All he could say was that he was posted in Madras. A simple grin was all I could give back. I now feel how heavy was that moment for me. Days gone which I cherish. That should be ok for me..coz I am emotionally stable..

A week later, I was again back to the court with my frenz. I was soaked to the bone; it was raining. Some one yelled out from one corner - "chotu its rainin!" ..I shot back.."Ya it is...it is..sir.."