A tale of heart and mind

Of what interest can it be
when I have eyes but cannot see

I want to run like the wind
I may perspire
I may become weak
My sight may converge to the end

Of seas, mountains & flowers
Of eyes, smile & pain
Of love, illness & music
a veritable challenge in hand

People confide
This they live
under the czars
under the blanket of countless stars

Time, a compiler of thoughts
thoughts diffused in serenity
of which birds cannot comprehend
neither we breathing sapiens

Its the shadows that dont cry
Its the shadows that dont bleed

Engulfed in this storm of life
we are conditioned to live
to notice but not observe
to show mercy but not help
to mock at but not step up

Mundane lives, talking cliches

We are guardians of future
future taking birth every second
and becoming extinct the very next second

All we hear
beeps that transcends continents
continents made of swords
continents chaining love
and term it a pity slave

God, a great tester
we make a mockery of him
he gives time

we are good, he says
we are bad, we say

Of what interest can it be
when I have eyes but cannot see

Drenched in the duality of life....

Back when I was a tiny tot uttering strange words and trying to join pieces of pictures to figure out what was going around me till now when I am still trying to join those missed out pieces, I listened and have been listening to it all. Discerned in totality, never did I speak up. Its like I have been typing down words, erasing it and again typing it. Interlocked mind never even bothering what I scribbled down before. Erased and its gone. There is no balm to alleviate this. But this irrevocable nostalgic feeling smeared all over me still persists. My mind is deluged with this feeling. Things that were strange are now musical to me. Things that were musical are now strange to me.

Soft and sharp, they never fade away. Every moment being crystalised in my mind.

I always believed and I still believe truth always juts out as and when we grow older. It sings along with us. It propagates with life. It commands attention. It sits beside you but looks beyond future. It inhales the aura we emanate and exhales truth. Phase by phase. Step by step. Note by note. Never leaps..takes small paces but is swift and agile.

From Einstein who believed in miracles to J Krishnamurthy who was a firm believer in simple pleasures of life, truth spoke. A revelation never understood by me. The truth which always freezed me under the sun. Bite your nails, gnash your teeth, lift a trophy, ignore the ignorant, hold a pen, listen to music, buy a pair of trousers...truth always speaks..

You start thinking about the metaphysical parts of life. Curiosity..curiosity..Its truth again. What is in there and what is out here is one and the same. Reflection of perfection. Everything in life is mirrored. Principle of duality always wins. North and South..there is no difference..Civilizations bred..thoughts spread..it sprawled to a certain distance and then there is South. Civilization and thoughts..Its truth again. Never asks but always gives. Never shouts but always meditates upon we miser beings. We are always good but its the truth which is speaking. We really are misers shouting.

'It' says it best when 'it' says nothing at all...

'We' say it best when 'we' say nothing at all...Duality of life..we deal and truth deals..Its always duality.

Chase-tised and Kiln-ed...

How complex can things get?...

I mean..I can sit back at ease and always be a candy-go-guy with none threatening to bring down the multi-storeyed dreams I keep building. I can always don a charming hat and go merry-merry everywhere smoking Italian cigars. I can always laugh at the way the system is going on in our country. I can make a polemic remark against the system and be highlighted in the newspapers..Now...I wont die of illness or any accident. Instead, I will rise to fame in a few months and then be shot or slained at my place. Huh..Chastised and killed. A plain simple story.

My big bro says 'Only when you see such things happening, will you start to carve out the essentials for living life in a better way..'

He always says 'better way'..because he always believes you can never live the 'best way'..

He says 'Think of things which you dont wanna do'..
I say 'Why do you always get to that point..and its strange'

He says 'Strange words directs you so that you can steer your vehicle of life towards the right destination'

Can I relate this to whats happening right now..Its raining out here..Every drop descending down doesnt even know that I am sittin here and watching him. I tend to relate every thing to a person. It always gives me the feel that I am not alone who is facing all what is happening around me.

When you dream, you never know what is going around you. Every breath counts. Moments trigger moments. Big things become miniscule. Slow objects go at mach speeds. Assumptions are made. Decisions turn to rage. There is laughter and yelling talking at the same time.The sun never stops glowing. Hunger is reigning. Reasons become money and time becomes greed. Acts of felony goes unnoticed.

But everything is straight..There is gravity. Shadows remain shadows. Electrons are running through the wires. No issues..No actions..Its all strange..But strange things always guides you..Its all relative..

I soon realised 'better way' is always best than 'the best way'..because there is the word 'best' in between which till take care of the rest..

Every time..

My big bro, the timely 'time', always said 'Your worst adversary is always your best company'
How on earth could that be possible..seriously how on "earth"..
He retorts 'Dont you look at me now!!'..
Oh! that was pretty close..and also appealing..appealing only because he is always right..Well he is the only 'person' I ever knew speaking right things at the right time..

Exams are nearing and as always its the season of marriages..season of surprises..As it used to be and will always be, I have to fall in love with books..emotions of faith creep up..very soon I find myself marrying books..i totally see where this relationship is going..it gets cranky..overpriced..priceless!!

And then again..
I finally have to walk down the aisle holding the pen insulating the 'ink of attained knowledge' and let her drain it down articulately on the paper. They become the happiest couple. Nothing beats the pen, paper and their baby ink...My knowledge..their pleasure..But I am ultimately crowned the King of Torts!!

They really expect me to respect..I find myself enmeshed..I untangle myself and try to get out of it..
Oh Oh..My big bro swoops in..
'Dude..whats the matter with you..every moment of your life is beautiful..dont ruin it'
Ohhh..cliches dont work for me..they really dont..
I shoot back 'ohh..'I am just a kid..I dont understand what you say'
'Ohkk..you run a mile..a gift awaits..you run an extra mile..another gift awaits..this is how it works..'
'All you got to do is to run along that "running mile"'..

This is wonderful..Honestly..time and tide waits for everyone..tireless stalkers of noble knowledge..nothing beats them too..turning mud to gold..believable..but the transition from knowledge to wisdom is tricky and adventurous

I dont grasp in all of it..but surely think of grasping it..
silence please..
craa..craaaaaaaaaaaack..crrrr..trrrrr..dim___'May I come in?'
"Sure"
"Thanks..How many miles do I have to run to grab all the gifts?"
My big bro says.."Until you realise you have taken the road less travelled by.."
Wings of mind..Ventures of mind..

Strange but true..

There I am, standing and breathing. Everything around me is calm composed. Everything beyond me unknown.

Nothing is as fascinating as this. One look at the infinite space above..Clouds, stars and the moon. I take a few paces towards my right. One look at the infinite space above..I still see the clouds, stars and the moon.

This only reminds me of other people who are also residing under this blanket of countless stars. People who dont know if democray or dictatorship is ruling their country. People who just migrate from one place to another to escape the wars.

I always try to scale the depth of silence when in sleep.Everything just shuts down. Everything just diminishes into one single dark spot. There is nothing to illuminate this dark spot. You are just dropped there spiralling away into the cone of darkness. Down here, I feel nothing but gravity. I see nothing but rains filling the seas. I hear nothing but the wind talking to the trees. Sound of silence. Not practical. Not strange. But beautiful.

What I really saw was this. I saw a pastor sprinkling holy water on the divine-seekers. I saw a child weeping helplessly on the street. I saw fishermen risking their lives at the seas just to live. The world is infinite to a bum on the street. He doesn't curse the fat-cats, instead pities on them for not having realised that world is infact finite to them. I saw an exhausted Arab speaking to his camel. He says "If there is one place no one knows you, its the desert".

The moment I wake up, everything around me is still the same. And everything beyond me is still unknown. Nothing has changed. Just washed away filth of my dress. And there I am, standing and breathing. All I realize is that Dreams are dreamt. They are like candles which gives out light, but also melts down. Melts only to be lit again...
Strange but true..

I still remain a slave

Its been a long time since I penned down something. Days are going by. My big brother, the timely 'time' has been keeping an eye on me all the time. All he does is keep running after 'nothing'. And all I hear from him is the low tone ticks, ticks n ticks...and constant alarms peircing straight through my head beckoning me to come and have a look at its charming legs walking royally oblivious to the happenings in the world. Everybody tries to be in harmony with him, follow him like a tireless stalker. The fact that the rotation and revolution of Earth around the Sun is coherent with time and space remains the same. We obey him. Calendar gets flipped over regularly. The pages of books are turning yellow. My feet doing a lot of walking, trampling down tiny ants..Untouched..Unnoticed..Things are done hastily..Connected to the mechanical world like a baby connected to a mother through the umbilical cord.

In a moment, seconds of evanescent incidents are stamped as history. Many unnoticed. Untouched. They are saying something. I reckon they are yelling out saying 'Ohh..dont do that'. But in another unnoticed, untouched second they are again yelling out at me saying 'Ohhkk..carry on..but this is your last time..'The 'they' am talking about are my senses. They are waffling about the whims and caprices and enticing me. I as an able-bodied-slave ought to fulfill him. I suddenly hear my big brother, the timely 'time', mocking at me and saying

'You are a mad man..'

I say 'No I'm not!'

He says 'Tell me one good earthly-human reason'

I'm pondering over it...Still pondering..No..I dont get a earthly-human reason to convince him.

He says 'You are a slave to your senses. They are making you do all they want'
Meditating upon it, I come to know that every quality of mine and every action of mine is a result of me being a subordinate to my king. My senses. I'm a victim of its politics. An intricate politics. I'm just an owner of my 'chassis', the physical body.

He says 'Why dont you fight them'. It sounded really interesting.."Fight them". So yet another venture..

"Trying to keep my senses under control..Trying being a master, king of my own senses".

Before I get tooo philosophical I better descend down to earth. My wings are tired.

P.S Tried to bring a convoluted insight into the politics of mind..

My soul

20 honest things about me.....something goes wrong dhruv has it...

1. Shy, a "great" introvert but a careful observer...things jus cant go out of my way

2. Fickle minded..do things which r in accord with my pensive mood....

3. My identity: a mix of being comical, foolish, somber, deceptive...these conceal my penultimate qualitites which am carving secretly all the time..

4. Very meticulous in sharing my emotions..I will always keep my mouth n eyes closed n get lost into my own world of mystery..coz i believe there is always someone who can read ur lips n catch ur eyes...i want to keep some secrets even from god! (soundin weird a?)

5. My favourite dish is vangi bath(tamil word..)..assorted aubergine rice...

6. I always give least importance to my apparel..thts the way it is....

7. Possessive about my things and selfish at times..but never envious about others..

8. I never tell things which can hurt nyone, not even little n silly things.....the thought of losing a friend always haunts me.. so i swallow my temper all the time

9. I love soft lilting music..westlife, blues to name some..I become so engrossed in it that it drives away my appetite..

10. Unplanned most of the times n weak in makin gud n prolific decisions..tryin to improve over it...

11. I demote myself from being a social animal to a lazy social creature...

12 Sleeping the best profession.......mastered the art of keepin my eyes wide in class n sleeping..

13. Lazy most of the time..

14. Love playing TT, football n basketball..

15. Like to be silent n solitary all the time ....but always jumping from within..

16. Currently reading 'A Walk to Remember'....movie which melted my heart to the ground..

17. I love listening to old people telling their experiences abt their days..

18. I hate travelling n horoscopes.....

19. Wanted to be in the defence forces...but turned out to be different....

20. Hunger is the greatest pain one can ever bear..cannot believe that over 6 million people die of starvation....it wil be the first one on my list to eradicate....

manish, teja, rams...ur tagged!!

School days..

Ever since I finished schooling, my delirious state of mind was even more delirious because I was exposed to making new decisions. Not to mention the melancholy that surmounted me as I left behind the best days of my life. I replenish my Heart's tributary of emotion with these bygone days to reflect back and eventually let them flow back into the river of eternal memories. Of the 8 years I spent at school, I have grown to choose my intimate friends and develop a good relationship with my teachers.

The first 4 or 5 years were fun and frolic type. In general everyone will be oblivious to what exactly is happening round him in his childhood. We just mingle with everyone in no time. Somedays were in my favour and some not--When everybody does the homework n I am the only one left out in class...n on the top if I am to face a stern teacher my day ends!. Some cheerful and some sorrowful. Sometimes I become a subject of mockery and sometimes I rule my thoughts -- Reminiscing upon this, I was once told to prove the similarity of triangles on the black board. It went very well. All of a sudden everyone in the class burst out into laughter. I even remember our math sir also laughing loud. I took a few paces back from the board and came to know that I was very very bad in drawing the triangles. They were long enough to fit the board!! Added to this, I also started laughing like hell.

Somedays were dull but most of the times comical--when rain god casts his spell, the games period is cancelled..gosh it sucks!!. Sometimes I am in peril(owing to my bad demeanor), n sometimes lucky. These mix of days were pivotal in moulding myself in one way or other. The crests n troughs are common. Infact one develops that ability to manage things in school when something goes wrong. Then again the teachers who played a special part. There was Mr. Bosco who was our NCC head as well as our english teacher. He was my source of inspiration. I can never forget Ms damayanthi..coz she is the only teacher who keeps an eye on girls all the time(we boys arent blind though!). She believes girls are more naughty than we boys. Can imagine the length of fun we used to have in that class!! Mr Abhraham whose famous lines "why do u'll howl like junglies" still echoes in my mind.

2 yrs in ncc gave me a lot. It gave me proper momentum to make a strong decision to join the armed forces. A challenge recognised correctly but worked upon weakly is the only reason I could throw up for not making it come true. Nevertheless, I kept moving. But its not a speck in an ocean which gets washed away in due time. That challenge is again an inspiration to take up the coming challenges.

I wish I could again go back in time and sit in the class listening to Mr Bosco explaining the English poems. But I am afraid the joy will also be gone.

The Notebook

Saw 'The Notebook' the other day. A good movie in all which throws to you another definition of LOVE. There was this handsome young man who fell in love with a ravishing young lady. The movies goes through with fine display of emotional love running between them. This lady is from an opulent background and the boy from a mediocre family. This forms the demarcation between them laid down by her parents. For reasons predictable the pair get separated despite the lady being defiant to her parents decision. Both had faith in their relationship. Both had the urge to be together. He penned down 365 letters a year in a hope to be together again, but in vain. Her parents kept her away from the letters. Emotions buried deep into their hearts. The second half cycles through interesting phases with the man standing on his own feet, building a magnificient house. The lady now falls in love with another person who is affluent and thus captures her parents wishes. They get engaged and when the lady gets to know about this person, her eyes reflected the buried emotions.
The melodramatic dialogues follow. She expresses what its like being with her first love and the person to whom she is engaged. With thoughts running away, she listens to her heart and goes back to her love.

This entire story is capsuled in a book being narrated by an old man(the boy) to his love(who is suffering from memory loss) in an attempt to get back her to life.
The one thing which moved my heart is the man's intense revelation of love to his love.
For me Love means nothing but inspiration. You being an inspiration to her, and she being an inspiration to you. I feel there should be no compromises, no sacrifices and not saying sorry. It should turn out to be strong and meaningful. So our inner beauty adds values to our life. Our daily life should be supplemented with the addition of virtuous qualities to our inner self. Love is a virtue which we are yet to understand.

A little peice which I love...few lines from 'Only Hope' by Switchfoot.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

A close one...

Mid-August y2k. I was in my early 10th; my final year in school. Life seemed akin to a merry-go-round where you stumble upon a point again and again. The point which you disagree upon, which is subtle and unclear. These odds and evens are to be balanced, which provides a path which is not disturbing. Many incidents touches our lives which in one way or other is blurred as I said.

Though my knack in playing basket-ball was minimal when compared to other tall bunch of guys in skool, I did manage to toss the ball into the basket at times. Eyes aimed at right angle part of the shooting square with right balance on foot is what I learned at skool. This proved to be handy. I put my hand to the plow in learning the game. I put it to practice at a basket-ball court near my place. Me and my friends set out to play almost daily after skool. At times it was a solitary play for me. The place I lived was a complete military area. So there were jawans accompanying me in the play as a part of their custom practice. Their physical endurance, tough discipline, courageous built and devotion to duty draws a deep veneration for them.

I chanced upon a jawan who later became a close friend of mine. I was trying for a 3 pointer which I couldn't get it right. His instructions were all that I followed. Dribbling, rebound shots, 2:3 pointers, zero angle shots, reverse throws and many more. He was a perfect 10/10 in it. It had become a daily task for me to come and learn from him. I can go ahead and term him as divine intervention. I came to know that he was a JCO and was posted there recently. He was from Kerala.

I was happy with his company, his talks and his play. Days went by. It was raining one day. I was soaked to the bone. But this couldn't keep me or him away from the game. The earthly aroma rising up into the air filled around. We played for more than 2 hrs. Shortly, I came to know that he has to move. That was a sad moment for me. At one shot you really feel alone when something that makes you comfortable leaves you... I try to puff in more oxygen to make it my way. A way which became blurred. A week later, I caught sight of him. All he could say was that he was posted in Madras. A simple grin was all I could give back. I now feel how heavy was that moment for me.

You cannot roll back the hands of clock and again experience the thrill..It doesn't fit in..Days gone which I cherish. I hope to chance upon him one day...

To Kill the Mocking exams!

I really need to step over my mind to think about the approaching exams. I sit with my chin propped on my hands but soon realise that am sitting on a boiling pot of exams. I have only one book to excel....
"5 exams in a Nutshell" a Primer and an Advanced learners edition. The pre-requisites are--One should know what the 5 xams are, what these exams deal with and to shield yourself when you dont understand anything.
To me the exam hall is the largest battlefield. The questions are the sharpest archers and their aim can never be let down. I better zero in on the books before I get badly hurt.
So will take a gap for a week fighting the war and get back with tearful..oh! sorry cheerful eyes.

I dont like wat?

I need to flap my wings of mind faster to attain a certain degree of idiosyncrasy. This point helps me out in thinking better before I descend down n finally doze offf.

I dont drink..I dont smoke..I abstain from these things. Pretty gud huh(-: Electricity is cut, I dont like to get off the bed though am perspiring. I dont like to wash my clothes. Got inspired after watching the magnum opus 'Satte pe Satta'.
Silberschatz--Galvin--Gagne---> Operating system concepts..I dont like to flip over the first page to view the contents inside. It kills me.
Screen diva Rekha turns 51..I dont like reading such crap news..
India successfully test fired Trishul..Missiles? not 4 me..instead am good in making paper rockets!
Microsoft's fourth quarter net profits is put up on net..Its foreseeable. Some 6-7 digits with million dollars suffixed(m$) to it..Nothin new.
Had a hearty meal..wanna go to bed..Some one buzzes on messenger and spills the bad news. A class has been scheduled now..I dont like this.
My system is getting clogged with many processes eating its memory. I dont like this..
Net got disconnected. I really hate this..
I would love to run away from this mechanical world. But cant help it out..I forget everything n go to sleep..
Am now in a new world..am floating on the ocean bed with diving costumes n scuba tanks all set right. Strange..its cool in here...My pc lies in front of me. An ideal world.
Waterband is better than broadband. Nothin to worry abt for another 6 hrs until I wake up n get back to normalcy..
May be I like this..

Its rainin!!

Mid-August y2k. I was in my early 10th; my final year in school. Life seemed akin to a merry-go-round where you stumble upon a point again and again. The point which you disagree upon, which is subtle and unclear. These odds and evens are to be balanced, which provides a path which is not disturbing. Many incidents touches our lives which in one way or other is blurred as I said.

Though my knack in playing basket-ball was minimal when compared to other tall bunch of guys in skool, I did manage to toss the ball into the basket at times. Eyes aimed at right angle part of the shooting square with right balance on foot is what I learned at skool. This proved to be handy. I put my hand to the plow in learning the game. I put it to practice at a basket-ball court near my place. Me and my friends set out to play almost daily after skool. At times it was a solitary play for me. The place I lived was a complete military area. So there were jawans accompanying me in the play as a part of their custom practice.
Their physical endurance, tough discipline, courageous built and devotion to duty draws a deep veneration for them. I chanced upon a jawan who later became a close friend of mine. I was trying for a 3 pointer which I couldn't get it right. His instructions were all that I followed. Dribbling, rebound shots, 2:3 pointers, zero angle shots, reverse throws and many more. He was a perfect 10/10 in it. It had become a daily task for me to come and learn from him. I can go ahead and term him as divine intervention. I came to know that he was a JCO and was posted there recently. He was from Kerala.

I was happy with his company, his talks and his play. Days went by. It was raining one day.
But this couldn't keep me or him away from the game. The earthly aroma rising up into the air filled around. We played for more than 2 hrs. Shortly, I came to know that he has to move. That was a sad moment for me. I try to puff in more oxygen to make it my way. A way which became blurred. A week later, I caught sight of him. All he could say was that he was posted in Madras. A simple grin was all I could give back. I now feel how heavy was that moment for me. Days gone which I cherish. That should be ok for me..coz I am emotionally stable..

A week later, I was again back to the court with my frenz. I was soaked to the bone; it was raining. Some one yelled out from one corner - "chotu its rainin!" ..I shot back.."Ya it is...it is..sir.."

Get set go

Its 6 am...a strange irking sound exploded all of a sudden. Oh! my God, Hell lies right in front of me. It has taken over the medium, jutting apart the thin air, and in position to strike my ear drum. I turn over my back, try pretending to ignore the crackling sound now creeping to a high tone. But the damned device is well-engineered not to cease shouting until a poor human being like me gets out of bed reluctantly to keep its mouth shut. It is now at its acme. I try to mull over as to why on Earth the dawn draws over quickly as soon as the dusk shuts down. Another second..and it will bring down the walls around laid a decade back. I still lay unmoved. Not an inch of any muscle in my body is willing to get displaced. I show who I am and it is showing who it is.
Both are on different terms. I unshut my beautiful lens for the day. My vision is blurred. I reach out to the foolish alarm clock and eventually succeeded in shutting its mouth. Voila!

A gloomy surrounding paraded around me. Streaks of sun rays getting diffracted by eyelids now fall upon the lens making my vision clearer and brighter. The hot mass of fire is high above the horizon. I gaze up to the skies; my nostrils distend as I take in a deep breath. Morning calm is what I rejoice the most. When I stare at myselves in the mirror, I find the most usual things unusual. I stand up to 5'9" with no posture of an athletic body. I dont draw any attention of gals towards me. So I keep my charm to myself. My countenance looks weird, at times, to many people. I take in the bucket to the washroom only to keep it aside and have a shower. I try to fasten the belt too tight knowin that my pant cannot keep up!! I think of sporting a French beard when nothin on my chin shows up. I try to remake a film in my mind when it has collapsed at the box office. I try to dust out the books off my shelf only to keep it back and wait for a good time to start. These are my positive traits shading off gradually to negative traits.

With all these things striking at the back of my head, the day begins. They say 'Every day brings with itselves many gifts'. One should never refuse such gifts. So will set out for my chores with a hope of learning something, Learn and Serve being the primary motto.